Thursday, October 16, 2014

New (to me) Day for Memory of Loss

We still miss them. 
The one we hoped to welcome in April 2005. 
July 2005. 
May 2008. 
October 2011. 

Koji was our first baby and we had no incidents with him (other than unplanned C-section, which is its own source of grief).
Then, our first (lost) baby was 10 weeks old. Though we hadn't as much time to imagine life with her (I don't know, just choosing to think of this one as a girl), in some ways this was our most terrible loss. It opened up a dark box full of the knowledge-not just a suspicion but a definite knowing-that babies die, not every pregnancy comes to fruition. Utterly unwillingly, we joined the Miscarriage Club. Please don't think me crass. It's just, after this experience, I was astounded to find so many others who had also lost their baby, and I didn't feel quite so alone. 
Second baby was 16-17 weeks old. He was given to us so soon after his sister was taken, I hardly knew how to feel. I confess though I believe God, I sustained myself with logic: "we just lost one so this one will be fine, he has to be". Or not. 
Thank God, then we had Izumi. Fountain (of Life), how could we name her otherwise when we were so relieved she was Alive?
Our third baby was 20 weeks old. I've mentioned her here before. Her name is Ai, which means Love in Japanese. 
Then we were given Misaki, which means a Heart in Bloom. Her life seemed to signal a spring, the end of the winter we had been in since Ai. 
But then,  our fourth baby was 15 weeks old. He was "born" in Rome, so we'll always feel a connection deeper and stronger and sadder than might have been forged on a different 10th anniversary trip. Perhaps because the memory of him is stronger, perhaps because I so wanted a brother for Koji (though again, I don't actually know for sure he was), when I think of them all I now, I long for them but my heart longs for him particularly. 
Life is full of loss, and God brings life from all kinds of death over and over and over again, praise Him. But these, I cannot explain or leave, I just carry them with me and pray their memory will encourage me to treasure my living children more? 
I tend to be about fun (see ENFP and Enneagram Type 7) so I don't approach this place often, but I think it's important so I'm talking about it here. 
Have you lost a pregnancy or a baby? If you are willing, please tell me about your experience.  


Jane Lucas said...

Jamie so well spoken, honey. Sharing in your sorrow and the joy of the three that are here with us. Which reminds me that Emmanuel means God with us. He understands our pain. I love you my dearest with all my heart.

Craig Lucas said...

Thank you dear daughter for sharing a powerful message that with God in our life His grace will lift use about those moments of sadness. Thank you for your sweet spirit and the super grand kids you have given us! Love Dad

Rach said...

Thinking of you. Thank you for sharing your story.

Laurie said...

thinking of our kids together in heaven makes me smile. it'll be a happy happy reunion. i love you sis!