Thursday, January 31, 2008


While we were out on our trip to Lake Geneva, we stopped at that outlet mall in Kenosha. I wasn't surprised that Aogu went to the Sony outlet with Koji while Izumi and I were at Old Navy. But I was definitely surprised when Aogu came out with a present for me, which was a Sony Reader. Thanks, sweetheart, I really like it!

The first book we bought was the Bible, and I'm glad we did because subsequently, we've both identified with portions of Ecclesiastes. Aogu was struck by 11:5, which reads

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

My interpretation of this is not that Ai's death was the work of God; rather, that whatever good may come out of it is beyond my comprehension for now. In fact, I feel pretty bleak. A friend asked me today about depression and sadness. No to the former and a resounding yes to the latter. After all, getting out of bed in the morning still makes sense to me, bleak as I may feel. But not knowing how to feel the truth of this
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

is shattering me. I hope for Heaven and I am certain that Jesus' dying on a hunk of wood 2000 years ago and then living again three days later is the reason I will be admitted. But I'm not sure that if I dare to get pregnant again that baby will survive to join our family. Does that mean I don't have faith?


Jenny said...

The question isn't whether or not you have faith, Jamie. You clearly do! The issue, I think, with that verse, is faith in what?
You have faith in Jesus. You know that He loves you and is sovereign. I think it also shows TRUE faith that you look to Him for your comforting through this. That shows that your hope (even if that comfort isn't realized yet) is rooted in Him.
I think that your faith is great.
If you ever do get to know the reasons behind these heartbreaking losses, I have faith that you will use that knowledge in incredible ways -- it's just who you are.

Jane said...

I can hardly comment because your grief pains me so much. Your life right now is where there is only one set of footprints in the sand.

Our prayer and care is with you, dear Jamie and Aogu.