Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Almost Perfect

After I checked in to the hospital last night, I was given some medicine to get labor started and then was told that the process might take 24 to 36 hours. Furthermore, Aogu and I both tested positive for strep throat. Unbelievable.

Thankfully, a faithful friend came to the hospital and had a sleep-over with me while I was waiting for something to happen. Though it was the very last occasion I would have chosen, we were still able to enjoy a rare conversation that meandered here and there to any topic we liked without any interruption. I hope we can do that again some time just because we want to, not as a result of any Baby's death or other medical crisis.

This morning, my friend had to go home to her kids. Aogu came in and it wasn't too long after that I started to feel pain. I promptly called for drugs. I've been theoretically against drugs in labor in the past, but that was always because I wasn't sure how they would affect the baby (and I'm not so virtuous as I sound; I got the epidural anyway, with Izumi!). Since this baby was beyond experiencing adverse effects, I was eager to not feel any more than I had to.

Meanwhile, the nurses kept asking us if we wanted to see and hold the baby after birth. We had never considered that as a possibility, but after being told several times that it would help us with closure, we started to consider it more. We also considered giving the baby a name, since that would also help us remember him/her better.

So it was that our daughter, Ai Matsuoka, was born at 10:55 am today. She weighed eight ounces. We held her and touched her and cried and prayed over her. She was beautiful; though she was a mere 18 weeks old, her fingers, toes and face were already perfectly formed and only lacked a beating heart and a few more months in the womb to make her whole.

We are so thankful for the advice of our nurse; though the loss of Ai-chan is a deep, grave wound that is terrible to bear, it is made ever so slightly less painful by the knowledge that she looked like Koji and Izumi. When we meet Ai-chan in heaven, we will know her immediately, and we will make up for the lifetime that we have lost with her.


Jane said...

Our blessed hope (sure thing) is to, indeed, meet Ai-chan in heaven.

Thank You, Jesus.

Elizabeth said...

Oh my dear.
I am so sorry for your loss and the trial of going through all of this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Please let me know if you need a break and I will happily come play with Izumi and Koji.

Much love to you.

Brad & Kath said...

A blog comment is terribly insuffient to express the solemn and deep grief we feel for you. We are praying and beseeching the Father to surprise you with new and deeper comfort than you have ever experienced. Much love to you all, and healing in every way.

Pawee said...


I am so sorry for you and Aogu's loss. You are a very strong woman and you guys are in our prayers!

If you ever need anything, please do not hesitate to call or email.


z said...

felix and i grieve with you for the loss of precious ai-chan. we pray for the father's arms to hold you close and comfort all of you. all our love and so much more.


Anonymous said...

Dear ones,
I cried when Jenny told me that Ai had died. I am glad that you got to see her and that her personhood is fixed in your hearts. In years past, this was not allowed and many a mom, some of whom you know, could only imagine what that child might have looked like. I'll stop by this next week, Jamie, if you all are done being "streppy". I'm praying that you'll experience the Holy Spirit living up to his name of Comforter.

kumi n said...

jamie, i am so sorry for your loss.. i too am looking forward to meeting Ai-chan in heaven. miss you all, and thinking of you in this time. i pray for God to cover you all with His comfort, peace and love. love, kumi

Anonymous said...

We are SO sorry to hear that, just thinking what I can say here bring tears to my eyes. My heart is heavy and wish we can be there to offer any support during this difficult time. Love and prayer from us.

William & Riva

Faith and Stan said...

Jamie and Aogu,
Stan was just going through blogs and ran across this note about Ai-chan. Our hearts grieve with you and re-live some of our own pain from nearly 20 years ago as we remember our sons, Michael and Andrew. We are so glad you spent time with Ai. It is a treasure to have these memories this side of heaven. Isaiah 40:11 was a special passage for me as I pictured our sons with the great Shepherd--"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young." May you find Him to be gentle with you through these days.

Faith and Stan