The first book we bought was the Bible, and I'm glad we did because subsequently, we've both identified with portions of Ecclesiastes. Aogu was struck by 11:5, which reads
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
My interpretation of this is not that Ai's death was the work of God; rather, that whatever good may come out of it is beyond my comprehension for now. In fact, I feel pretty bleak. A friend asked me today about depression and sadness. No to the former and a resounding yes to the latter. After all, getting out of bed in the morning still makes sense to me, bleak as I may feel. But not knowing how to feel the truth of this
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
is shattering me. I hope for Heaven and I am certain that Jesus' dying on a hunk of wood 2000 years ago and then living again three days later is the reason I will be admitted. But I'm not sure that if I dare to get pregnant again that baby will survive to join our family. Does that mean I don't have faith?